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Advice Column: 10/23

Dear Jossie,

My girlfriend of two years started going to therapy right before quarantine started. Through this, she came to the realization that she is asexual. I support her 100 percent, and I’ve been with her every step of the way. However, I definitely have needs too. I love her and I don’t need to be physical with her, but I really want to spend the rest of my life with her and I can’t just not be intimate for the rest of my life. I’ve asked her about entering an open relationship and she shot it down. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Conflicted


Dear Conflicted,

Hello and thank you for writing in. This situation sounds very sensitive. When I read your message, I will admit, I had to sleep on my response before I wrote back to you. I wanted to make sure I was making careful considerations.

From your message, I can gather that your relationship thus far has been happy, loving and supportive. This is something that I will support and endorse for all of my friends and readers.

Your concern is that your girlfriend is not meeting your needs and that your needs will not be met in the future. In regards to this, I think you need to figure out how much this means to you.

Everyone has certain needs and wants in a relationship. In a previous advice column response, I explained some aspects of my own wants and needs.

Using myself as an example, I want to be with someone who can make me laugh a deep belly laugh at the most spontaneous of moments. As for needs, I need to be with someone who values loyalty as much as I do.

For you, it seems to me that you need to take some time and figure out your own wants and needs. Are these “unmet needs” really something that you need or actually something that you want? Is physical intimacy something you could go without the rest of your life and be happy without?

You need to be open with your partner about your concerns. Perhaps there is a solution that you could find together.

You should communicate with her about this because if you do not voice your concerns, no matter how much you love her, you will probably end up harboring resentment toward her.

It might be tough to talk with her about this, but you have to consider what is best for both of you. You both desire to be happy–even if you figure out you would be better off going your separate ways.

At the end of the day, it is about figuring out what makes you happy and going after it. The sooner you figure that out, the better. I’d also like to establish that this is only my opinion. While I do have insight, I’m by no means an expert. There are many online resources that can provide advice, and I encourage you to talk about this with someone who might be more knowledgeable.

I wish you the best of luck!

Best,
Jossie

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