Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
On March 18, it happened again. The statue of Bradley University’s founder, Lydia Moss Bradley, was struck by a vehicle and knocked off her pedestal.
This is not the first time the matriarch has been hit. Back in June of 2018, a suspect fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into the statue, sending Lydia to the ground.
While the initial car accident was, as the term says, accidental, this time something was different. This time, it was revenge.
While many on Bradley’s campus praise our founder, some don’t. The question is, why? Thankfully, The Scoop has the answers. After many nights locked up in the office, poring over old documents found in the special collections center, the staff discovered the culprit’s motive.
In the early stages of Bradley’s development, Lydia decided that the campus needed some sparkle — something to liven up the university. That is when she created Kaboom!, much like how God created the universe, weaving the threads of destiny together.
Day after day, Lydia worked on the creature’s design. She needed him to be perfect, someone that all students would adore. Despite the battle scars from the sewing needle, Lydia remained strong to complete the mascot that students and faculty know and love today.
After three months, Kaboom! was complete. Unfortunately, Lydia passed before she could introduce him to the community. So, the gargoyle stayed locked up in the fourth floor of Sisson Hall, growing cobwebs on his eyebrows and wings.
That all changed one fateful day in 2014 when he woke from his slumber and burst through the door, announcing to the university via megaphone that he was Bradley’s mascot and finally here to stay.
As cheers echoed through the campus, Kaboom! noticed that his creator was always staring back at him. Rage consumed him the second he saw the woman that locked him away was praised for years by students, when he didn’t get the chance.
Ever since that day, Kaboom! began to plot his revenge. In his diary that The Scoop recovered, some of Kaboom!’s plans included melting the statue with acid, covering it with peanut butter and enticing the squirrels to eat her and driving a race car into her to destroy her.
However, his ideas were spoiled due to a 10-year waitlist for the race car and someone else beat him to hitting Lydia. So, he went back to the drawing board.
In his plans, though, all but one idea kept getting crossed out: hitting the statue with a car. Kaboom! had to give it some time before he struck the statue again, as he wrote in his diary, “hitting that bronze old hag right after someone else would be tacky.”
When the construction began on Williams Dining Hall, a lightbulb went off in Kaboom!’s head. On the evening of March 18, the gargoyle stole one of the bulldozers for a vengeful joy ride straight toward the statue.
With a scream of joy, Kaboom! struck the statue, sending Lydia soaring through the sky before crashing headfirst into the top of Bradley Hall.
In a video released by junior social media major Brittany Byrne, Kaboom! was seen doing a cheer routine while chanting “diva down” after hitting Lydia. The video concluded with a squirrel police chase and Kaboom! getting bit in the butt before finally having the handcuffs slapped on his wrists.
During a press conference that The Scoop had the honor of attending, Kaboom! was asked why he hit both his and the university’s creator.
“She’s old and ugly, I’m hot and young and deserve a statue more, duhhhhhhhhhh,” Kaboom! said with a hair toss.
Kaboom! will be in jail for 14 years.
