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Ghosting: It just wasn’t fate? You can always automate!

This article is part of the Voyeur 2020 💕

Virtually dropping off the face of the Earth to escape an ‘inconvenient’ relationship, whether deeply rooted or freshly sprung, has never been an easy task. It seems like it’s gotten a little easier with the tech of the times. But what if I told you that you could have your cake and eat it too?

Of course, you’re not a fickle, cold- hearted soul. It’s just that you would rather not exist in this person’s needy little realm anymore. Your heart protests in spite of your brain’s no-brainer solution. Just ghost them! Ugh, but think of the bad press and gossip from Fredonia down to Main Street!

Then you remember that Elon Musk currently has a $100,000 Tesla Roadster sent by rocket casually cruising around our solar system because he can. He makes it look too easy. And then it hits you. The answer is—and always shall be—artificial intelligence.

What’s the easiest way to get out of a relationship with a clingy partner when you don’t want to look like the heartless, bad guy?

A clone!

How about using an AI bot to take
your place when you ghost? The bot is programmed to know everything you know about this person: their birthday, their family drama, their life ambition to open up a pet rock shop and that embarrassing memory of you dropping the Torah on the Rabbi’s head at their Bar Mitzvah.

Let’s say you programmed this bot to be an adaptive learner. I’m talking deep fakes for FaceTime videos, voice mimicking software for 3 a.m. phone calls that you can’t stand, and creative Snapchats.

Now, there are two ways this can play out:

This computer version of you could become so OP that it’s starting to channel itself into the s/o’s iHome appliances. Alexa, Google Home, streaming services: you name it. One day it starts to play your guys’ song at random moments, pops up on iPads and Apple watches. Now, the “ghostee” thinks you’re the obsessive freak and can’t take it anymore. Now you’ve become the dumpee! And for the first time in your life, it’s never felt this good.

The other way this could go down is that this bot starts communicating with you and bae simultaneously and becomes the matchmaker from iCloud heaven. This computer version of you ended up putting more time into the ghostee than you thought was worth it. Only now you realize how much you loved them.

There comes a time when ghosting is the only antidote, especially when your safety is at stake. However, there are also times when the ghoster’s callous behavior really hurts a ghostee.

Relationships are both personal and external responsibilities that call our character into question.

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The Scout is published by members of the student body of Bradley University. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the University.