Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
The Williams Dining Hall renovation project recently reached the halfway point, but a drunken discovery has temporarily derailed development.
The unbelievable revelation occurred early Wednesday morning after four students broke into the construction site and found an underground vault containing endless rows of wallets.
A member of the group, whose friends were escorting him to his dorm after a wild night out, allegedly heard hushed voices doing off-key karaoke of Frank Ocean’s “Thinkin Bout You.”
“My friends didn’t believe me at first, but I know Frank when I hear Frank,” Al Dente, a freshman cannabis cultivation major, said.
Despite each student measuring just below five feet tall, the quartet quickly scaled the fence and went to investigate. Seventh-year junior Noah Dia gave The Scoop a play-by-play of the night’s events.
“Denny [Dente] didn’t think we’d make it over, but I just told him, ‘If Tom Holland can get Zendaya, then there’s nothing us short kings can’t do, right?’ and that seemed to motivate him,” Dia, a bowling industry major, said.
Unfortunately, Dente was a little too enthusiastic about his climb and propelled himself several feet in the air, landing with a “splat” on a particularly rigid dirt pile. He sustained 16 consecutive concussions during the incident but is expected to make a full recovery.
“At the time, you know, I felt fine,” Dente said. “Sure, I had started hearing colors and my vision became spotty, but when I got the overwhelming urge to watch ‘The Bachelor,’ that’s how I knew something was wrong.”
After his hospital visit, Dente also realized that the singing he heard was coming from his own mouth. He had been whisper-singing under his breath the entire time.
When his friends rushed to his aid after the fall, they noticed the dirt pile had shifted, revealing a hidden metal door. Confused yet curious, the students apprehensively tugged on the handle and descended a long winding staircase that led to the vault.
They were stunned to see lost wallets filling up countless shelves in the expansive room. BUPD officers say the official count was just over a kajillion wallets. What was more unsettling for the students was that each one was labeled with the name of the owner, the date it was “lost” and its contents.
Twin brothers Miles and Meters Long were surprised to find out that several of their wallets were among the ones recovered.
“To keep it a buck with you, I hadn’t even realized my wallet was missing,” Miles Long, a senior cloud watching major, said. “My girl pays for everything — my haircuts, my Xbox subscription, my Chick-fil-A, everything.”
Dia was the first to call BUPD, who then connected the lost wallets to reports made throughout the semester. It wasn’t long before officers found out the perpetrator was none other than Herb Avore, a professor of breakfast arts.
Avore, who admits to being a paranoid recovering cereal addict, had reported his wallet stolen in February. Determined to find it before anyone discovered the little baggie of Captain Crunch hidden alongside his cash, he began pilfering wallets all across campus, storing them in the vault to keep track of places he’d already hit.
“I’m not proud of what I did, but I couldn’t let anyone find out my secret,” Avore told BUPD in a recorded interview that was shared with The Scoop. “I was afraid people would judge me, okay? Everyone else just eats Apple Jacks or Fruit Loops. You’d probably think I’m a freak.”
Although satisfied that the culprit was apprehended and that every wallet was returned to its rightful owner, BUPD remains clueless as to how the vault was built underneath the construction site in the first place.
“If you ask me, that vault has probably been there for years. The new dining hall is just a way to cover it up. This goes deeper than professor Avore, I’m telling you. He’s connected to some shady people,” Debby McDoubter, a well-known campus conspiracy theorist, said.
Avore was not terminated by the university, but he was ordered to attend weekly meetings with a breakfast mediation specialist and step down as the advisor for the Cereal Club.
Construction at Williams Dining Hall is set to resume on Monday with no further interruptions.
