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The types of people you see in airports

The TSA agent at security who you try to be polite to but they are still grumpy because they hate their jobs

Typically these interactions are very awkward, yet short. You expect this kind-faced stranger in a fancy uniform and latex gloves to be nice and ask you about where you’re going. However, you are met with a harsh “Next!” and a metaphorical slap in the face because you tried to be polite.

Businessmen who obviously love their jobs

These men often carry briefcases and wear knit sweaters with khakis. They will talk on their Bluetooth phones and laugh about the joke that John just made about their latest business meeting. Sometimes they look like a crazy person just talking to the air.

Parents who refuse to pay attention to their kids as they run around the gate area

The father always has a mustache and wears glasses with a baseball cap. The mother wears Sketchers and stretchy pants that look like jeans. Common phrases include a monotoned, “Boys, stop that.” They are usually coming back from Disneyland or Hawaii.

Old couples that bring like sixteen bags and fight with each other about where the gate actually is despite it being on many monitors

C’mon, Jerry! Just look at the monitor! It’s right there! I’m on Esther’s side!

Cute old couples that make Instagram influencers whisper “goals”

They give each other candy and back scratches. We all want to be like this one day.

Old people

Examples: Morgan Freeman, Jesus, Joe Biden, Joe Biden’s mother, this teacher at my high school who is probably immortal, grandparents, Betty White and Whoopi Goldberg.


Small humans that look like potatoes.

Babies that are crying

Small humans that look like potatoes that are crying loud enough for it to echo through the entire terminal.

People that smile and wave at random babies in line

The same people that, when they find out the baby is a boy, say that he is flirting because he smiled back. He’s a baby, Linda. He smiles at clouds. 

Weirdly attractive people that somehow look gorgeous at 7:00 AM

How? How do you do it? Your hair is perfect, and so is your makeup. You look like you just stepped out of a LuLu Lemon and are prepared to walk the runway.

People who look like the Walking Dead at 7:00 a.m.

Me. I will always wear sweatpants and slippers to the airport at 7:00 am.

Young couples that fight with each other and then the woman sulks off, crying and lays across three of the gate seats while wearing sunglasses because she “Needs time to think about things, Kyle.”

Gosh, Kyle! 

People who look vaguely like Post Malone

And smell like him too.

Post Malone

Often found roaming airport terminals in search of confiscated weed. He’s ready to destroy those lavatory smoke detectors.

People that vape in customer service lines

I wish that I’ve never seen this before. These guys definitely wear boat shoes and carry $1,000 headphones in order to bump to Kanye West because “they’re woke.”

 People who you think you went to middle school with

I wish I saw someone from middle school, so then they could see how attractive I got.

 Middle schoolers on class trips

You can always pick out the coolest boy that all the girls are in love with and who his girlfriend is even though she’s cheating on him with his best friend by holding his hand on the plane. 

Basketball teams

Tall and in tracksuits.

Very tall men

Tall and not in tracksuits. 

Medium-sized men who are extremely dressed up and only carry a brief case

Men that always wear suits and a long black trench coat and seem like they’re in a hurry.

Flight attendants who make you wonder how they are able to walk the entire airport in heels

Tell me your secret!

B-List celebrities

We get it! You’re famous in Iowa! You didn’t need to bring the movie poster, autographs, your entourage, and your own paparazzi.

People that bring their pets

I love you, but only if you let me pet your dog.

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